My Cheat
Grandma’s Winter Closet
By Farah Al Hajjar
You eagerly waited to welcome the darkness in my hair
Darkness may be overwhelming but may also be the only thing that can contain you
A night that lasted a month, or two, I forgot really, but it was like a short century
Don’t you love the night?
It was a long good night for me
I breathlessly waited the madness in your hair
The waves that rushed to hit my shore before quickly disappearing in my hands, flipping me with my lungs striving short for air
It’s fascinating, I fainted.
Carrying lightning in your smiles and thunder in your laughs I woke up in the deep
But why shall it be this quick
And why am I in love with a storm
A passing one, that keeps on coming and then vanishing with every part of me
It wasn’t winter, it wasn’t cold
I stole a storm that was hidden between the clouds in grandma’s winter closet. I wasn’t supposed to get near.
“Cheater” the moon whispered from between
It was a very hot night, I was madly turning round naked
Picking and attracting dust
Didn’t know dust can hold hell whole galaxies with it.
Photo credit: Alexandru Acea
وجدتك
بقلم فرح الحجار
مررت بشوارع القلب الذي عشقت
ولكن
مدينة تسكنها العواصف الصم
رياح تدق الأبواب
وعتمة ليل تجري كنهر من العدم
ارصفة شرايين جافة
وهمس نبض صاخب مجهول المصدر
اقتربت انظر لما وراء النوافذ لأروي حيرتي
فوجدتك
و وجدتك
و وجدتك
وجوه كثيرة تشبه وجهك
تتضارب بعضها ببعض
أرى احدها يضرب الآخر
و بعضها يصرخ بأخرى
اقتربت لعلي احل النزاع
فأغلقت الأبواب
و نظرت لي بازدراء
تراني وجه آخر من وجوهك
فأقف حينها من بعيد أتأمل
في تلك الوجوه الكثيرة التي تنبع حيرة من كل نافذة
فأجد وجوها لك خالية من وجهك
و قلبا لك خال من دفئك
خيال صلب
ركضت الهث مذعورة
حتى خارت قواي
فوقفت و أغمضت عيني
لأراك حقيقة رقيقة في قلبي أنا
لا قلبك أنت
أحمل أبوابك و أقفالها
أحزانك و آلامها المهذبة
عيناك و أمطارها العذبة
لما لا تغمض عينيك
و تدعنا نقايض النبض
فيستكين قلبك بنبض قلبي الأخرس
و يمرجحك قلبي بنبض قلبك المجنون
ولكن
أين هذه البدايات الجديدة من كل نهار
وكيف لتلك الجفون البحارة أن تجد مرساها
فتسدل سيوف رموشك المحاربة
لتستريح على شط أمل
يمحو موجه زيف الزمن و وجوهه
و تدفئ شمسه فرح الماضي و ألمه
Photo credit: Pawel Szvmanski
A Fortune Wheel
By Farah El Hajjar
You questioned my existence, well my actuality is surreal
Your mind’s eye tells you a lot, contradiction in concepts, mysteries that never end, and artistic abstractions that leave you confused about an imperfect ideal.
Any intervention from me means harm to your senses, dilemma to your absolutes that are definite and real
If I gave you right answers, smart notions and good deals
If I showed you true love
The magic and sparks and how wounds I heal
And if you found content in my eyes & between my arms
If you found ultimate space to run in my heart and in my veins
My physical may fit you once but not sure can fit me
I’m free, I’m the streets, I’m the skies, I’m the valleys and vasts trapped inside
But as the pretentious reality you’re living starts to fade and until you’re shocked with what my honesty reveals
The game you felt challenging and fun before is not but a fortune wheel that spins around everything and says
I’m the black & the white, flashy connections of unadapted smartness, wrong distractions, & eventual failure
And the wound I’ll leave with my hands
I may not be able to seal
I know how you feel now
And how you’ll feel afterwards when your heart I steal
But I swear I don’t mean to hurt you or cause you any intended harm
I’ve tried submergence, I’ve tried suppression
But it’s nothing but my nature, an IDEA.
And I can’t change that, cause I am change
I may be the pain & the scar after I’ve been the medicine
But I can also be revenge and forgiveness at the end
So don’t mind using me to win the game and move on
or live the open ending.
